Breathing

A/N: I wrote this literally right after "Fall," as a companion piece. This one I could feasibly have restructured to be... well... not inconsistent with spoilers, but I ultimately decided not to. So, again, no spoilers. I'm not sure I like this one as much as "Fall," but I do like the idea a lot. It comes from the Episode II trailer (viewable on the DVD) titled, coincidentally enough, "Breathing."

***

When he wakes up, his body worn away by the lava and replaced with machinery, he asks what happened to her. His new Master, in a voice coated with sadness and sympathy for the young man, answers that she was killed in the fighting. He saw it all, he says, but he could do nothing; she would not stop firing at the troops, and so they fired at her. The lie slips easily off the Emperor's tongue, and the apprentice believes it wholly. He sits in silence for a moment, unable even to display grief before his Master, who says that now, at least, nothing is holding him back. Finally he asks about the child-- was there any sign of its existence? Was anything found? Palpatine shakes his head.

"If a child was with her," he says with sorrow, "there is little hope that he survived the battle. All Rebel prisoners were aboard the transport that the Rebels themselves destroyed. Careless planning on their part." This, too, is a carefully constructed lie to lead the boy away from mistrust of his Master. He could never know the truth of that night-- that the Emperor, Palpatine, had killed his wife and would kill his child if he ever got the chance. If, in fact, the child even lived.

"But... if he was not with her..." Anakin persists, pleading, desperate for this one small thread of redemption. But Palpatine only shakes his head again.

"No child was with her on Alderaan. It is likely it never came to birth. Try not to dwell on it any longer. There is nothing you can do."

And this is the worst thing for Anakin Skywalker-- to lie helpless and do nothing. A hatred builds up in his mind, slowly as the kindling of a flame. He had hated the Jedi already; now he hates them more, and if any are found alive, they will not remain so for long. He hates the Rebels with an anger and a rage burning in his very veins. He hates Kenobi, his old Master, for making him less than a man, less than human. He will personally see to his death, however long it takes. He cannot give life, but he can take it, and they will pay. All of them.

Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Darth Vader. He hates everyone and everything. He knows nothing else. He kills without mercy, without thought, without feeling. More machine than man.

But alone in his meditation chamber, or before he falls asleep at night, the images haunt him. They do not move much. They do not speak. Just images... He closes his eyes, takes a breath, and she's there. His love, his angel, looking just as she looked every day... but sad. Exhale, and she fades away. The next breath brings his old Master, or his mother, or a friend. The always have the same imploring look. The look that says, Why, Anakin? Why? Ani, please come back... please come home...

As the years go by, and the name Anakin Skywalker ceases to have any meaning to Vader, he sometimes can't remember who they are. Just faces from some other life, a long time ago. He looks at them as an outsider would. They are beautiful. Why are they so sad? Then he recalls that they had names. Mom. Obi-Wan. Padmé. The memories come back. He remembers that he killed them. Those he did not kill are dead because of him, those still living he has killed a thousand times in his mind. There is no difference. But the images keep coming, the terrified victims, the screaming... They come, they go, they come again, with every breath.

At times he wishes he could stop the breathing. The constant reminder of the horror he has become. Only fear keeps him from ending it. Fear, anger, hate suffering-- four walls closing him in, forever. Trapped. He can't escape. He cries out.

Then he awakens. The images fade, leaving him alone.

Alone with the darkness, and the silence, and his own mechanical breathing.

Disclaimer: Star Wars is the property of George Lucas and Lucasfilm. I mean no infringement and make no profit. Please do not copy or republish Erin's work without her express written permission. Thank you!