A Very Archetypal Christmas Quest

A word of explanation: This was my final project for the first semester of Quest Archetype last year. The assignment was to take some of the heroes we'd read about and make them all go on a quest together. I decided I was going to have them save Christmas. Gilgamesh, Odysseus, and Aeneas you are probably familiar with. In brief, Gilgamesh was an ancient Sumerian dude, Odysseus took 9 years to get home from Troy, and Aeneas was a Trojan survivor who founded Rome. His son, Ascanius, also appears. Lucius is from Apuleius's The Golden Ass. No, really. He messes around with magic and gets turned into a donkey and stays a donkey for a long time until Isis turns him back into a human-- a now fanatical devotee of Isis. He shaves his head. Since The Golden Ass is the only one of these quests in the first person, I decided to make Lucius my narrator. Now, enjoy.

A Very Archetypal Christmas Quest

Dramatis Personae:
Lucius: Roman citizen turned donkey
Gilgamesh:2/3 divine warrior king of Uruk
Odysseus: king of Ithaka, perpetual wanderer
Aeneas: destined founder of Rome, former resident of Troy
Ascanius: young son of Aeneas
Isis: Egyptian goddess; ally of Lucius
Santa Claus: Father Christmas; a right jolly old elf
Officer Kirk: policewoman
Callie: lonely spinster-type woman
Missy: hellhound
Cindy: a little girl

SCENE: A field, somewhere in the Roman Empire. Lucius, citizen turned donkey, stands alone and forlorn.

LUCIUS: (voiceover) It was the night following my escape from the vile arena where I was to have been made a revolting public spectacle. Alone I wandered, wondering what cruel trick Fortune had in store for me next and, as I was wont to do, cursing stupid, stupid Photis for letting me make an ass of myself in the first place. Suddenly I was filled with awe at how the supreme goddess majestically wielded her power, and controlled all of life. I began to pray in words to that effect, and I could have gone on and on for hours, but just then the goddess herself appeared unto me.

(Isis appears before Lucius.)

ISIS: Lucius, it is I, the goddess to whom you pray. You know me by many different names, but the long and short of it is that I am Isis, and I’m going to help you, so pay attention. We goddesses are getting tired of leading men on such long, elaborate quests. We want to go on a vacation. So, according to my divine providence, we are sending you all to one place, at one time, to get what you need, and be done with it once and for all. That’s right, Lucius, you’ll turn back into a man. Try not to mess it up.

LUCIUS: (voiceover) I was so elated at her words that I scarce knew how to thank her. Unfortunately, I was a donkey, so I could neither thank her nor ask her what exactly she meant by “you all.” Presently the goddess faded from sight, and I found myself standing ankle-deep in snow. This was the beginning of one of the strangest adventures of my life.

FADE TO: A winter rooftop, covered in snow. Several feet from Lucius is Santa’s sleigh. Around him, Gilgamesh, Odysseus, and Aeneas appear, the latter holding the hand of little Ascanius. All look around, bewildered.

GILGAMESH: I find this to be strange. Nevertheless, in thanks to the gods who favor me, I shall sacrifice one of these reindeer.

(He draws a knife, but Odysseus stops him.)

ODYSSEUS: No, friend. These are the reindeer of someone else. Do not be a discourteous guest. Sacrifice this donkey instead.

(Lucius rears and backs away.)

AENEAS: No! This donkey may have been sent by the gods to help us. Do not sacrifice it until we are directed to do so.

ODYSSEUS: Wait, I know you—

(He is cut off by an odd sound coming from the chimney. Presently, Santa Claus emerges with his sack, which is nearly empty.)

LUCIUS: (voiceover) Eager to prove my worth to these men and by so doing to save my life, I advanced on this stranger, whom I naturally assumed was a bandit or robber of some kind.

(Lucius kicks Santa, who falls off the roof. Lucius slips and falls down after him. The others lean over the edge of the roof, looking down on Lucius, who stands up and shakes off the snow, and Santa, who groans. They get into the sleigh. Gilgamesh takes the reins and pilots them down.)

GILGAMESH: (drawing his sword) Shall I slay this climber of chimneys and driver of reindeer that fly? These things seem to mean that he is a demon, this climber of chimneys and driver of reindeer that fly, and so I should slay him. Yet he is an old man, chubby and plump, and I am moved to sadness for him. His cheeks are like roses, his nose like a cherry, and so I hesitate to slay him.

AENEAS: If he was raiding this house, then he should be slain. (glares at Odysseus) All tricksters who raid the homes of others should be slain.

ODYSSEUS: Hold, Trojan Aeneas. Yes, I know you, and it is clear you know me. If this man is to be slain, let me slay him, for I know what it is to have unwelcome guests in my house. But if he is innocent, and has some explanation, let us first hear it, and judge its merit.

AENEAS: (lowering sword) You speak well, Ulysses, but your fair speech will not save you from punishment for what you have done to my people.

SANTA: Excuse me! What is the matter with you? I’m Santa Claus!

AENEAS: What is your country and who was your father?

SANTA: Oh. You must be the heroes.

AENEAS: I am Aeneas, son of the Trojan Anchises and the goddess Venus. (Lucius snorts at the name “Venus.”) This is my son, Ascanius. We fled from the destruction of Troy to found a new land for the Trojans in Italy. My mother the goddess has told me that we shall find passage here.

ODYSSEUS: Normally I would tell an elaborate lie at this point, but evidently I am already known to some here. I am Odysseus, son of Laertes, King of Ithaka. For ten years after the Trojan war ended I wandered the sea and the land, cursed by the anger of earth-shaker Poseidon. Now the goddess Athena tells me that here I shall find my passage home to Ithaka, my dear Penelope, and my son Telemakhos.

GILGAMESH: I am Gilgamesh, none here are my equal, for 2/3 divine am I.

ODYSSEUS: But… how can you be—

GILGAMESH: Silence! I am Gilgamesh, son of Wild-Cow Ninsun, king of Uruk-the-Sheepfold. None are mightier than I, none are stronger. Only one man ever equaled me, and that was my brother Enkidu. (looks suddenly very sad; violins play) Enkidu has perished, who once fought beside me, Enkidu has perished who once was like a rock from the heavens. Enkidu has perished, and I wander alone, I wear the skins of lions, I mourn for Enkidu, for Enkidu has perished and I realize that I too am mortal. I seek my immortality here, following the course set for me by Wild-Cow Ninsun.

LUCIUS: (brays)

SANTA: I’m Santa Claus. Father Christmas. Every year at this time I bring presents to all the good girls and boys with a jolly ho-ho-owwww. I think my ankle is broken. Look, I can give you what you need. But I have one more house to visit tonight, and I can’t do it like this. You’ll have to take my place. Deliver these toys to the house next door. Put them under the tree in the living room. But first you’ll have to go buy some batteries from the store two blocks away, because the batteries aren’t included.

(Santa climbs into his sleigh and flies off.)

SANTA: (ere he flies out of sight) Happy Christmas to all, and to you guys, good luck!

LUCIUS: (brays)

(The heroes look at one another uncertainly.)

AENEAS: Huh.

LUCIUS: (voiceover) Truthfully, I had never held these heroes of my ancestors in very high regard, and my opinion of them was not much improved by meeting them. Nevertheless, it was clear that we must work together to complete the task assigned to us by Santa Claus. Odysseus quickly volunteered to seek the batteries.

ODYSSEUS: I will seek these batteries we require.

AENEAS: You would only keep them for yourself, wily Ulysses! Let me go for them.

ODYSSEUS: We’ll both go, then. Only first we must disguise ourselves so as not to be conspicuous.

AENEAS: Fine.

GILGAMESH: I will stay here with the donkey, the wild ass who reminds me of my friend Enkidu. I will stay here with the donkey, so that when we succeed, we may sacrifice him to the gods.

(Odysseus, Aeneas, and Ascanius depart on foot.)

SCENE: A department store. Odysseus, Aeneas, and Ascanius are shoplifting.

LUCIUS: (voiceover) As I understand it, this is what happened on Odysseus and Aeneas’s journey. They obtained clothing fashionable to the time from large houses which contained many offerings of clothing for guests and newcomers. In return, they left their old clothing, for the garments of such renowned heroes must be very valuable.

(City streets, some time later. Odysseus, Aeneas, and Ascanius, now dressed in modern clothing, continue to walk and stare at what they see. Ascanius is playing a Gameboy.)

LUCIUS: (voiceover) Though the batteries were only two blocks from the house where we were stationed, they wandered so far that they were very quickly lost and Odysseus, in his pride, would not ask for directions.

AENEAS: We’re lost.

ODYSSEUS: No, of course we’re not.

AENEAS: Yes, we are. Ask someone for directions.

ODYSSEUS: No. You do it.

LUCIUS: (voiceover) Soon, matters between the two heroes became unpleasant.

ODYSSEUS: That’s a nice son you have. Do you take him everywhere?

AENEAS: Yes.

ODYSSEUS: I had to leave my son at home. Haven’t seen him in twenty years.

AENEAS: Your soldiers killed my son’s mother.

ODYSSEUS: (uncomfortable) Oh. Sorry about that.

AENEAS: Greeks are all brutal liars.

ODYSSEUS: Trojans are all naïve fools.

(Aeneas throws a punch, and suddenly a fistfight—a rather clumsy fistfight, since both men are used to swords and armor—ensues.)

LUCIUS: (voiceover) Ascanius, who had been paying attention to where they were going, ran back to the yard and fetched Gilgamesh to aid him.

SCENE: Jail. Odysseus and Aeneas are behind bars. Standing guard is Officer Kirk.

AENEAS: So… neither one of us likes Helen.

ODYSSEUS: Right. And we didn’t want to have a war in the first place.

AENEAS: Hm.

(Gilgamesh enters, sword drawn, with Ascanius in tow.)

GILGAMESH: I am Gilgamesh, king of Uruk-the-sheepfold! I am Gilgamesh, tamer of the wild taxi! I wandered the wild and came to this place, I came seeking these men who do not find favor in your eyes.

(The police officers have their guns drawn, but Gilgamesh isn’t paying attention.)

GILGAMESH: I demand that you free them, or I will slay you each in turn. They have fought and now they are friends, just like myself and my brother Enkidu. (suddenly looks very sad; violins play) Enkidu has perished, who once fought beside me, Enkidu has perished who once was like a rock from the heavens. Enkidu has perished, and I wander alone, I wear the skins of lions, I mourn for Enkidu, for Enkidu has perished and—

ODYSSEUS: Okay, I can explain. My name is Bob Katzopolous. I come from…

LUCIUS: (voiceover) Odysseus proceeded to explain that Gilgamesh was his insane cousin, and after a few sweet speeches to Officer Kirk, he and Aeneas were freed.

SCENE: Inside a taxi cab.

ASCANIUS: Father?

AENEAS: Yes, my son?

(Ascanius whispers in his father’s ear.)

LUCIUS: (voiceover) Unfortunately, their troubles were not done. The young son of Aeneas had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at the house of a woman.

SCENE: Callie’s house. Callie is a woman in her thirties. She has cookies for everyone.

AENEAS: Well, we should be going.

CALLIE: No, stay!

AENEAS: No, we have to—

CALLIE: STAY!

AENEAS: But the gods demand that we go. Don’t they, guys?

GILGAMESH: Yes. He speaks the truth. You must free us, or I shall slay you.

(Callie begins to cry.)

CALLIE: But… but… it’s so lonely at Christmastime…

ODYSSEUS: You go get the batteries. I will stay here for a while, and meet you back in the yard.

(Aeneas, Ascanius, and Gilgamesh nod and exit. Odysseus attempts to comfort Callie.)

SCENE: The yard. Aeneas, Gilgamesh, and Ascanius return with batteries of all shapes and sizes.

LUCIUS: (voiceover) Within fifteen minutes, duty-bound Aeneas had returned with his son, the king of Uruk, and the batteries.

AENEAS: There were so many kinds!

LUCIUS: (voiceover) We all proceeded to wait for Odysseus, who arrived a half hour later, explaining that he had to wait for his patron goddess, Athena, in the form of an inquisitive neighbor, to rescue him from the devious woman. I, myself, suspect that he may have simply climbed out the bathroom window.

(Odysseus finally arrives, and they all stare at the house. Aeneas steps forward and opens the gate of the fence. He is immediately confronted by a vicious dog, restrained by only a feeble rope. The doghouse reads “Missy.” Aeneas quickly closes the gate again.)

AENEAS: What do we do now?

ODYSSEUS: We’ll have to get past it.

AENEAS: Are you mad? This “Missy” reminds me of the hounds of Tartarus!

GILGAMESH: We must slay it!

ODYSSEUS: But she belongs to these people!

GILGAMESH: The hound is fierce, and so we must slay it! The hound is there, and so we must slay it! Please? It’s been so long since I’ve slain something!

AENEAS: No. Although wily Ulysses here is a Greek and a trickster, he is right. Were we to slay Missy, we would be no better than common vandals. Look at us! We are kings and sons of gods! Except for this ass, here.

LUCIUS: (brays)

ODYSSEUS: Give me a minute. I’ll think of something.

GILGAMESH: Let us slay it! We must slay it as once I slew Humbaba. The great Humbaba, the forest guardian, his voice was the deluge. Enkidu and I slew him… (looks suddenly very sad; violins play) Enkidu has perished, who once fought beside me, Enkidu has perished who once was like a rock from the heavens. Enkidu has perished, and I—

ODYSSEUS: Zeus above, be silent, man!

AENEAS: Wait! I know. When the prophetess guided me into the Underworld she subdued Cerberus, and so shall we deal with Missy. Ascanius, give us two of those cookies we bought you after we got batteries.

ASCANIUS: But Father!

(Lucius removes the cookies from Ascanius’s jacket pocket and sets them on the ground.)

GILGAMESH: But how shall we obtain entry to the house?

ODYSSEUS: We could build a giant wooden reindeer…

AENEAS: No! No more giant wooden animals!

ODYSSEUS: Fine, fine. I have another idea. I’ll need a disguise, and this donkey.

SCENE: The yard, later. Odysseus is dressed as Santa Claus. Ascanius is an elf. Lucius has antlers tied to his head.

LUCIUS: (voiceover) This was, quite possibly, the most humiliating experience I had known thus far.

(Aeneas and Gilgamesh leading the way, they enter the gate. Aeneas throws a cookie to Missy.)

LUCIUS: (voiceover) The hellhound was kept back, just as I had heard of in the tale of Cupid and Psyche. We approached the door.

GILGAMESH: What now?

ODYSSEUS: Shall I… knock?

(They all shrug. He does so. The door is opened by a little girl, Cindy.)

CINDY: Hello. Who are you?

ODYSSEUS: I am your god, Santa Claus. I have come to deliver your gifts.

AENEAS: Say ho-ho-ho.

ODYSSEUS: Ho-ho-ho.

CINDY: (skeptically, points to Lucius) What is that?

ODYSSEUS: Why that is my reindeer, little girl!

LUCIUS: (brays)

CINDY: He doesn’t look like a reindeer.

AENEAS: He is one, though.

CINDY: Who are they?

ODYSSEUS: Why, they are my divine guards. Ho-ho-ho.

(A pause.)

GILGAMESH: (whispers) Shall I slay her?

AENEAS: Shh!

ODYSSEUS: May we come in, small child?

CINDY: Okay. But just ‘cause I like your donkey.

SCENE: Cindy’s house. Presents are placed under the tree, and there is much holiday rejoicing.

SCENE: The yard. The heroes exit, waving to Cindy.

CINDY: Bye, Santa!

ODYSSEUS: Goodbye.

(Aeneas throws the second cookie to Missy.)

AENEAS: What a nice little girl.

(They exit through the gate.)

GILGAMESH: Now what?

(A h-ho-ho is heard in the air. Santa lands his sleigh in the yard.)

SANTA: You have completed your quest, my friends! And my ankle is only sprained. So now, I present you with your gifts.

(He reaches inside his sack.)

SANTA: For Lucius…

(He presents Lucius with a wreath of roses. Lucius quickly devours them and turns back into a man. The others are astounded.)

LUCIUS: Thank the great goddess Isis!

ODYSSEUS: Well… that was a good disguise.

SANTA: For Gilgamesh…

(Santa gives Gilgamesh the flower of immortality.)

GILGAMESH: The means to prolong life! I shall give it to the old people of Uruk-the-sheepfold! I shall not perish as my brother Enkidu! I am Gilgamesh, the wild bull, the great king, who slew Humbaba , his voice was the deluge. I am Gilgamesh, who killed the wild lions, who tamed the wild taxi, who found the sacred batteries—

LUCIUS: Shut up!

SANTA: For Odysseus… (presents Odysseus with ruby slippers) All you have to do to return to Ithaka is click your heels together and say, “There’s no place like home.”

ODYSSEUS: (puts on shoes) There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…

(He disappears.)

SANTA: For you, Aeneas, and you, Ascanius… (hands them ruby slippers) To fulfill your destiny, all you need to do is click your heels together and say, “There’s no place like Rome.”

AENEAS: Thank you. (holding Ascanius’s hand) There’s no place like Rome, there’s no place like Rome…”

(He disappears.)

SANTA: Come on, Gilgamesh and Lucius. I’ll give you a ride in my sleigh.

LUCIUS: Is this really a Christian holiday? Because the great goddess Isis…

(They fly out of sight)

LUCIUS: And that was how my great adventure as an ass came, at last, to a rather unlikely end.

Fin.

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